It’s rather amusing to watch myself sometimes, albeit also rather uncomfortable at times too.
You know all those cliches about love being blind, rose colored glasses, romantic fairy tales of happy ever afters, and all that jazz? Yea well it happens to me….. every time lol. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cinderella%20complex I observe myself, I try to remain conscious, but hey I’m an old human with some solid programming in place, and hey hormones play their part too I’m sure.
So I guess its a relief that often the other person is able to retain a certain grip on reality to see more clearly than I do initially.
So here is a strange story of De ja vu and what I’ve learned from it.
6 years ago I “fell in love” with a friend (oopsy), sharing dna can have that effect; and I guess we can underestimate the power of intimacy and shared energy, particularly on the female variety, being the more emotional type. Anyway long story short, he panicked and dropped the ball, and it almost destroyed me. On a positive note, 4 years later we reconnected and we have never been closer than we are now (not in a relationship though). I got closure, validation and the opportunity to start a new chapter with a soul mate. So I guess that is a happy ending in many ways.
Fast forward to now, I recently got involved with another friend and what a beautiful bubble that was til it popped. Once again I got emotionally involved and I do believe he did too, so he panicked and withdrew. The parallels were staggering. I kept trying to convince myself that this was a different story and maybe in some ways it was. This time, with all the personal and spiritual work I’ve been doing, I handled it exceptionally well, in fact I didn’t even recognize myself, it was quite surreal. Maybe it was shock initially but I just went numb and laughed at first. Maybe it was the irony of it all right? Yes, I did hurt, and was even physically sick at one point but I was mature about it all and am recovering very quickly. I just needed a moment to grieve for the silly romantic picture that had formed in my head…. again. So I let myself be sad and I found out just how strong I am now.
What I have observed from these parallel experiences, was that as soon as I get my heart broken, so to speak, there is this incredible sense of relief and liberation. Maybe because I already knew on some level, after 2 months of mixed signals. You see as soon as I catch a case of the “feels” I also panic, but I don’t run or withdraw. I am very brave and maybe somewhat foolish lol. This time around I decided to work with my fear and insecurities and all the triggers going off, and I have become so strong, resilient and conscious.
Fear and the liberation of heartbreak.
Now lets talk about fear and insecurities for a moment. As I was working through all my fears, which were so incredibly powerful they were paralyzing and causing complete breakdowns and spiritual crises, (read previous posts); I was determined to belief that they were twisting and distorting the truth into something ugly and lying to me. what I discovered was that this was only partially true, and that I had not listened to a very clear message. I’ve learned now not to dismiss fear so quickly as it can be intuitive too. My fears had been so intense because I had been channeling his fears too (gotta love being Empath). Always the wisdom in hindsight lol.
So breaking my heart was in fact a blessing as we probably aren’t as compatible as the rose colored glasses led me to believe and whats the most interesting of all is that it literally feels like a spell has been lifted and suddenly we are free to just get on with being friends and loving each other in whatever way we feel like it, whatever that looks like. We’ve been liberated from fear and I’m no longer worrying over every little word or action that might be the wrong one and I might lose him over it, because the happy ever after has already been cancelled.
So on my journey to find my forever best friend, I’ve found two of them, both soul family, who I love very deeply (which is very disorientating in a culture of monogamy), but still don’t have someone to share my bed with and wake up next to. That’s ok, I guess, it would be amazing to have that but I’m ok on my own too. I’ve also grown enough to stand strong in my power. I will not hold on, I will let go. I will not throw myself at them and I will not beg for scraps anymore. I will just love.