Cinderella and the rose colored glasses.

It’s rather amusing to watch myself sometimes, albeit also rather uncomfortable at times too.

You know all those cliches about love being blind, rose colored glasses, romantic fairy tales of happy ever afters, and all that jazz? Yea well it happens to me….. every time lol. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cinderella%20complex I observe myself, I try to remain conscious, but hey I’m an old human with some solid programming in place, and hey hormones play their part too I’m sure.

So I guess its a relief that often the other person is able to retain a certain grip on reality to see more clearly than I do initially.

So here is a strange story of De ja vu and what I’ve learned from it.

6 years ago I “fell in love” with a friend (oopsy), sharing dna can have that effect; and I guess we can underestimate the power of intimacy and shared energy, particularly on the female variety, being the more emotional type. Anyway long story short, he panicked and dropped the ball, and it almost destroyed me. On a positive note, 4 years later we reconnected and we have never been closer than we are now (not in a relationship though). I got closure, validation and the opportunity to start a new chapter with a soul mate. So I guess that is a happy ending in many ways.

Fast forward to now, I recently got involved with another friend and what a beautiful bubble that was til it popped. Once again I got emotionally involved and I do believe he did too, so he panicked and withdrew. The parallels were staggering. I kept trying to convince myself that this was a different story and maybe in some ways it was. This time, with all the personal and spiritual work I’ve been doing, I handled it exceptionally well, in fact I didn’t even recognize myself, it was quite surreal. Maybe it was shock initially but I just went numb and laughed at first. Maybe it was the irony of it all right? Yes, I did hurt, and was even physically sick at one point but I was mature about it all and am recovering very quickly. I just needed a moment to grieve for the silly romantic picture that had formed in my head…. again. So I let myself be sad and I found out just how strong I am now.

What I have observed from these parallel experiences, was that as soon as I get my heart broken, so to speak, there is this incredible sense of relief and liberation. Maybe because I already knew on some level, after 2 months of mixed signals. You see as soon as I catch a case of the “feels” I also panic, but I don’t run or withdraw. I am very brave and maybe somewhat foolish lol. This time around I decided to work with my fear and insecurities and all the triggers going off, and I have become so strong, resilient and conscious.

Fear and the liberation of heartbreak.

Now lets talk about fear and insecurities for a moment. As I was working through all my fears, which were so incredibly powerful they were paralyzing and causing complete breakdowns and spiritual crises, (read previous posts); I was determined to belief that they were twisting and distorting the truth into something ugly and lying to me. what I discovered was that this was only partially true, and that I had not listened to a very clear message. I’ve learned now not to dismiss fear so quickly as it can be intuitive too. My fears had been so intense because I had been channeling his fears too (gotta love being Empath). Always the wisdom in hindsight lol.

So breaking my heart was in fact a blessing as we probably aren’t as compatible as the rose colored glasses led me to believe and whats the most interesting of all is that it literally feels like a spell has been lifted and suddenly we are free to just get on with being friends and loving each other in whatever way we feel like it, whatever that looks like. We’ve been liberated from fear and I’m no longer worrying over every little word or action that might be the wrong one and I might lose him over it, because the happy ever after has already been cancelled.

So on my journey to find my forever best friend, I’ve found two of them, both soul family, who I love very deeply (which is very disorientating in a culture of monogamy), but still don’t have someone to share my bed with and wake up next to. That’s ok, I guess, it would be amazing to have that but I’m ok on my own too. I’ve also grown enough to stand strong in my power. I will not hold on, I will let go. I will not throw myself at them and I will not beg for scraps anymore. I will just love.

Reflections

How people see us is going to be different for everyone because we can only see through our own personal filters and bias. Therefore how can any view be entirely accurate or objective?

All judgements are just mirrors, Its like being in the mirror maze. We are surrounded by twisted, distorted, reflections of who we are.

But that’s not all, because then there is the reaction, and response, to what we see, what that triggers, and how it impacts our behaviors.

For example, 2 people may see a person similarly but have opposing reactions. They look at you and see many qualities that they feel they lack within themselves. Person 1 admires you and wants to be your best friend. Person 2 feels jealous and lashes out.

From here we have 2 choices: we can practice mindfulness and see this as it is, and let it slide off; or we can take ownership of those judgements, perspectives and images, and make them out own and carry them around with us. Of course the latter being very toxic if its all the fear based, and ugly stuff we choose.

Have you thought about that? What do you take ownership of? If you’re criticized do you believe it? If you’re complimented, do you believe it?

Love or fear choose which one you wish to feed.

So true is the Quote:

So what do we do with this?

Can we step back from the stories? Can we live consciously, choosing which perspective is true for us? Which one do we want that to be? Through the lens of love or fear? What does that look like?

Voices From the Past: Tapping into Love

So many voices from the past deafening me with warnings, feeding the fear energy. The tools of the Protector. It is just us, trying to protect ourselves from harm. Sending us warnings that we are in danger.

Do not show me future scenarios/memories based on old stories. I acknowledge the message but Stop. NO!. This isn’t the truth, this is a new story and I am driving the bus now. I have nothing to fear, I am safe.

I will decide how my story unfolds by coming back to now, coming back into presence, and coming back to love. Just love, be love and send it out to the collective, let it expand and grow.

Believe in love: A powerful insight.

I always interpreted that in a way that I perceived the object of my focus, of my desire, was love. Because of the intense “feelings” I had towards them; that was love right? No, that is not love, that is chemistry, desire, addiction, attachment, but you might love them too…..look deeper. Love is warm and nourishing. Love is compassion, and gratitude. It is unconditional if its true. It is not something we feel for another. It is a state of being. It is something to tap into, to connect to, to become and then project out onto others. Fear, anger etc cannot live there. They are just projections of old stories haunting us. Love is an energy, the source, pure consciousness. We need to learn how to control this switch, which we can do with practice.

So next time I get triggered, or the voices of doom start whispering or yelling at me or offering me future memories, I’m gonna follow this recipe:

  1. Acknowledge them, and honor them
  2. Then put your hand up and say NO! STOP!
  3. Then let go of it or turn away in your mind
  4. Then pull yourself back into the present moment
  5. Now tap into love. If you have trouble with your connection in the moment, just focus on the breath. Just breathe, it will find you.

Lens of love Vs lens of fear.

The images look very different. Through the lens of fear reality is twisted by the shadows of the past. Perverted to show us the worst case scenario of outcomes. That is the literal definition of this:

  • False
  • Evidence
  • Appearing
  • Real

Through the lens of love comes intuition, clarity and perspective.

Storm: spiritual crisis

I see a field a field of raw wounds

Exquisitely devastating

Indescribable rawness

Gaping open

Waves relentless waves

Suffocating

choking

anesthetic caught in the back of my throat

terror

eyeballing death

Shifting

Breathe just keep breathing

Because this is as good as it gets, right here, right now

Nausea

abandonment, rejection

disconnection, isolation, aloneness

Welcome guests, come right in

How is this meat suit supposed to contain all of this, that is?

The irony of it all

Insert hysterical laughter.

Oh look the sun is out

Another storm survived

Waves subsiding

Inhaling

From Judgement to Acceptance. Unraveling the programming.

Spend some time looking in the mirror. That was the suggestion, but I remember doing some mirror work a few years ago and how uncomfortable the experience was. When I looked in my eyes, I could barely stand to see all that pain and despair.

This morning I looked in the mirror and I felt love for myself, I saw the mystery, beauty and wisdom of the universe in my eyes. That was unexpected. And how sad that I’ve never truly seen me or loved me before.

The transforming, the shedding, the offloading, the releasing. They are all just metaphors, but that’s not what I’m doing at all, because these physical and emotional, flashbacks/memories/traumas, programming, are a part of the human experience. They are not something ugly to be gotten rid of like taking out the trash.

We are not broken, and we do not need to be fixed. I knew this on an intellectual level but am only now just realising this at a deeper heart level. One of my favorite teachers says “whatever arises, love that”. Another talks of befriending ones self and talks of Rumi’s teachings of the guesthouse and welcoming all that come. This is a truth that resonates deep within.

I will therefore not focus on release, but rather allowing and accepting. In doing so, I am giving myself permission to be fully whole and to be ok with that. I’m only just beginning to unravel this deeper understanding of my human experience. Knowing the teachings on an intellectual level will never fully serve us, as we must find ways to fully realise on a heart level, our full truth.

Learning to love myself is about allowing myself to feel everything, in all its wildness and authenticity. The dark and ugly parts too. Not just the pain, thats easy, but the rage too, must be acknowledged. Everything that I have been judged for, taught me to feel broken and unacceptable.. That being sensitive and emotional was somehow a bad thing and I had to learn NOT to be that. So I guess I’ve been at war with myself ever since I can remember, faithfully believing those judgements of myself over a lifetime. I can still hear all the voices of thousands of judgements, I took possession of them and made them my own. I will allow myself to feel every one of them if I need to, and they will lose their power in that moment of full acceptance.

I’ve been holding on so tight, for so long, I’ve exhausted my mind and body to the point of illness and dysfunction. I’ve been a perfectionist, holding on to the ideal of who I should be and how i should be, suppressing the supposedly “ugly” parts, that are in fact beautiful. Letting go isn’t about releasing; its about allowing. Its not letting go of the ugly parts or the damage etc, its letting go of the the mindset, and beliefs that created them.

So next time I fall out of my tree for a moment, or hit a brick wall at light speed or any other crisis of emotions and triggers….. its ok. I’m allowed to.

Time to break wide open…..again

A New Story: Chapter One

This is a new story, a different story. I reject allowing my, no wait cancel that, “THE” (thanks Sarah) old stories of my past, to dictate and interfere with my present and future.

I choose to take back my power in this moment.

I’m currently “balls deep” in inner work presently, and have been unraveling, opening and shifting old energies. Its quite the experience.

Coming into my fifth breathwork sitting , only a week out from the last one, and having had a spontaneous experience at home, with all the deepest triggers going off inside of me, I knew it was going to be big. The anticipation was real, I knew I was primed and ready for a huge breakthrough.

Altered states of consciousness are difficult to articulate, at the best of times and recall can be a bit like remembering a dream; its all a bit foggy and strange when you come back to reality. Its one of those experiences like childbirth that you can only really comprehend if you experience it yourself.

This time I went very deep, as even very early there were blank moments (where did I go?). Just when I was thinking that the spasms in my hands were finally not going to happen this session, bammm! My entire body seized up and went rigid. It was not pleasant at all. The recall is so scattered now, I’m not sure if that was before or after sitting up. I actually allowed myself to make some noises this time, the discomfort was profound and overwhelming. It is also usual for me to experience significant tremors or shaking in my hands and arms but this time my entire body started to convulse. It was rather frightening to experience for sure. It was sometime during all this that there was a flash, and I recall thinking, did someone just take a photo?, but then came the crack! What a profound moment. I expressed myself with a loud “fuck”, and was grateful that the universe saw fit to join the party and work with us on such a physical level lol. The sense of synchronicity and connection in that moment was immense.

In past sessions I have often tapped out fairly early in the sessions, spending much time in a deep, relaxed, meditative state of bliss, but this time I wasn’t ready when it was time to come back to the room. I felt almost paralysed, and struggled to come out of it, I wasn’t finished. I was in a lot of discomfort when I finally started to move, and my right hand was still having intermittent tremors. Fetal position felt good lol. The curry helped but I felt like I was in shock, I was shaken to my core. I felt like a raw nerve. I could barely put words together. I had to hang around for a while, until I felt well enough to drive, and was one of the last to leave.

I am at a turning point in my life right now and I am determined to take full advantage of all resources available to me, to change my reality into whatever I want it to be.

I’m taking charge of my destiny and shedding all the old baggage. I don’t need it or want it anymore. I’m no longer afraid of what will be left without it, or of who I am without my pain and misery.

I know who and what I am now, not just intellectually, but in my heart.

Its time to be an expression of love.

Stepping out of victim mode and standing in my full power, as a being of infinite potential.

Head Over Heals: down the rabbit hole

When it suddenly just clicks, the magic begins to unfold and fireworks begin to explode. Hormones and chemistry goes wild. Euphoria triggering the addiction leading to attachment. But is this a good thing or a bad thing? I guess this often depends on the outcome, which is why the anticipation of this, in such defining moments, can rock one to the core, and knock them off center for a moment. This can be a life changing event and often is.

Falling in love is a natural part of the human condition; for most of us anyway. A spiritual New Age perspective would have us be aware of pitfalls with addiction and attachment. Society, friends and family may roll their eyes and shake their heads with their own personal judgements and opinions.

For me, I’m highly sensitive and empathic so therefore feel on a very deep level compared to some. This has led to many judgements over time as to my intensity. Yes I was a bit of a drama queen once upon a time when I was young and immature, but I do believe that this also is a toxic judgement that has caused me substantial damage over time. Am I just seeing myself through this toxic lens now? How accurate is my view of myself even?

Is it so wrong to be an emotional creature? I have spent many years, on and off, in a state of emotional bluntness or dispossession. Feeling nothing but numbness and maybe the occasional despair. Its like being the walking dead. It is merely existing, and life holds little value or meaning. I often resonated strongly with MARTIN E. P. SELIGMAN, PHD theory on “learned helplessness”. https://positivepsychology.com/learned-helplessness-seligman-theory-depression-cure/

The only thing worse than feeling too much is feeling nothing at all.

So falling in love can be a very intense and terrifying experience, for some of us at least. When you’ve been burned and traumatised and judged your entire life, had a couple of unsuccessful relationships (including an abusive one of course), a few other encounters of various types and lengths (usually brief), and many years alone; the vulnerability and fear is very real indeed.

Trauma is just a generic term for what a person experiences when exposed to a significantly stressful event; it is in fact a very individual experience. For example, in a group of people exposed to say armed robbery, each will be effected differently. One person might deal with the situation really well taking it in their stride and getting on with life, while another more sensitive person might be irreparably traumatised.

So this make me fragile too I guess, that I’ve been severely traumatised by my life experiences. Is that a “bad” thing too? To be sensitive, emotional and fragile apparently deems me to be put in the box of “high maintenance”. I was once told I was, “the one, men want to have sex with, but not a relationship with”.

So I’ve decided now that I will no longer let these judgements hold a negative charge over me. Maybe these judgements say more about the person judging than they do about me, but I don’t need to accept or wear them, and I wont anymore.

I like who I am, and although these qualities aren’t always beautiful in practice, they do make me a beautiful person; because I am strong and courageous too. I am generous and have loads of integrity (more than many I know).

No more, will I apologise for who I am, or how I am. I will keep taking chances and fighting for my dreams and desires, for even if they are a reflection of my damaged parts, I can use them to grow, and learn, and be an even better person than I was before. Because it’s not about any of you. This is my journey and my story.

So if any of you can’t accept and embrace me for all that I am, then that’s ok, because I got me.

I’ve got support and I’ve tools now.

I will from this day on …….