Spend some time looking in the mirror. That was the suggestion, but I remember doing some mirror work a few years ago and how uncomfortable the experience was. When I looked in my eyes, I could barely stand to see all that pain and despair.
This morning I looked in the mirror and I felt love for myself, I saw the mystery, beauty and wisdom of the universe in my eyes. That was unexpected. And how sad that I’ve never truly seen me or loved me before.
The transforming, the shedding, the offloading, the releasing. They are all just metaphors, but that’s not what I’m doing at all, because these physical and emotional, flashbacks/memories/traumas, programming, are a part of the human experience. They are not something ugly to be gotten rid of like taking out the trash.
We are not broken, and we do not need to be fixed. I knew this on an intellectual level but am only now just realising this at a deeper heart level. One of my favorite teachers says “whatever arises, love that”. Another talks of befriending ones self and talks of Rumi’s teachings of the guesthouse and welcoming all that come. This is a truth that resonates deep within.
I will therefore not focus on release, but rather allowing and accepting. In doing so, I am giving myself permission to be fully whole and to be ok with that. I’m only just beginning to unravel this deeper understanding of my human experience. Knowing the teachings on an intellectual level will never fully serve us, as we must find ways to fully realise on a heart level, our full truth.
Learning to love myself is about allowing myself to feel everything, in all its wildness and authenticity. The dark and ugly parts too. Not just the pain, thats easy, but the rage too, must be acknowledged. Everything that I have been judged for, taught me to feel broken and unacceptable.. That being sensitive and emotional was somehow a bad thing and I had to learn NOT to be that. So I guess I’ve been at war with myself ever since I can remember, faithfully believing those judgements of myself over a lifetime. I can still hear all the voices of thousands of judgements, I took possession of them and made them my own. I will allow myself to feel every one of them if I need to, and they will lose their power in that moment of full acceptance.
I’ve been holding on so tight, for so long, I’ve exhausted my mind and body to the point of illness and dysfunction. I’ve been a perfectionist, holding on to the ideal of who I should be and how i should be, suppressing the supposedly “ugly” parts, that are in fact beautiful. Letting go isn’t about releasing; its about allowing. Its not letting go of the ugly parts or the damage etc, its letting go of the the mindset, and beliefs that created them.
So next time I fall out of my tree for a moment, or hit a brick wall at light speed or any other crisis of emotions and triggers….. its ok. I’m allowed to.
Time to break wide open…..again