Head Over Heals: down the rabbit hole

When it suddenly just clicks, the magic begins to unfold and fireworks begin to explode. Hormones and chemistry goes wild. Euphoria triggering the addiction leading to attachment. But is this a good thing or a bad thing? I guess this often depends on the outcome, which is why the anticipation of this, in such defining moments, can rock one to the core, and knock them off center for a moment. This can be a life changing event and often is.

Falling in love is a natural part of the human condition; for most of us anyway. A spiritual New Age perspective would have us be aware of pitfalls with addiction and attachment. Society, friends and family may roll their eyes and shake their heads with their own personal judgements and opinions.

For me, I’m highly sensitive and empathic so therefore feel on a very deep level compared to some. This has led to many judgements over time as to my intensity. Yes I was a bit of a drama queen once upon a time when I was young and immature, but I do believe that this also is a toxic judgement that has caused me substantial damage over time. Am I just seeing myself through this toxic lens now? How accurate is my view of myself even?

Is it so wrong to be an emotional creature? I have spent many years, on and off, in a state of emotional bluntness or dispossession. Feeling nothing but numbness and maybe the occasional despair. Its like being the walking dead. It is merely existing, and life holds little value or meaning. I often resonated strongly with MARTIN E. P. SELIGMAN, PHD theory on “learned helplessness”. https://positivepsychology.com/learned-helplessness-seligman-theory-depression-cure/

The only thing worse than feeling too much is feeling nothing at all.

So falling in love can be a very intense and terrifying experience, for some of us at least. When you’ve been burned and traumatised and judged your entire life, had a couple of unsuccessful relationships (including an abusive one of course), a few other encounters of various types and lengths (usually brief), and many years alone; the vulnerability and fear is very real indeed.

Trauma is just a generic term for what a person experiences when exposed to a significantly stressful event; it is in fact a very individual experience. For example, in a group of people exposed to say armed robbery, each will be effected differently. One person might deal with the situation really well taking it in their stride and getting on with life, while another more sensitive person might be irreparably traumatised.

So this make me fragile too I guess, that I’ve been severely traumatised by my life experiences. Is that a “bad” thing too? To be sensitive, emotional and fragile apparently deems me to be put in the box of “high maintenance”. I was once told I was, “the one, men want to have sex with, but not a relationship with”.

So I’ve decided now that I will no longer let these judgements hold a negative charge over me. Maybe these judgements say more about the person judging than they do about me, but I don’t need to accept or wear them, and I wont anymore.

I like who I am, and although these qualities aren’t always beautiful in practice, they do make me a beautiful person; because I am strong and courageous too. I am generous and have loads of integrity (more than many I know).

No more, will I apologise for who I am, or how I am. I will keep taking chances and fighting for my dreams and desires, for even if they are a reflection of my damaged parts, I can use them to grow, and learn, and be an even better person than I was before. Because it’s not about any of you. This is my journey and my story.

So if any of you can’t accept and embrace me for all that I am, then that’s ok, because I got me.

I’ve got support and I’ve tools now.

I will from this day on …….

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