You know those spontaneous awakenings that leave you reeling and wondering if maybe you’ve completely and certifiably lost your mind??? Well I do…….
Some background for perspective to begin with. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life and only in recent years after so many different diagnoses and medications etc did i finally find the box that fits… Complex PTSD.
The first big awakening was around 2014. It was completely spontaneous; I awoke one morning and the penny had dropped. I suddenly understood the nature of reality and everything else, what a massive download to integrate, I seriously wondered if I’d had a psychotic break. I had very little in the way of a support network for all things spiritual at that time so sharing and getting support and guidance was limited. It was life changing and launched me into a volatile journey of personal/spiritual growth and exploration. And yes there was actually an intervention at some point later on too haha (the naivety of well-intentioned youth).
So who do you share these profound experiences with? You must share (well i must anyway), being it such a life changing experience, but most family and friends aren’t very “woke”, and at this point you’re already seriously doubting your own sanity anyway, without trying to convince your family that you just convened with God right? Now I use the word god as a generic term because its easier for less spiritual and more religiously minded people to comprehend the general concept of what I’m relating to, rather than confusing them with terms such as the source, the universe etc.
The disorientation is the part I don’t like, oh look i just found another trigger/sore spot. Why does this create such morbid fear I wonder?
So perspectives or definitions? Breakdown or breakthrough? Unraveling or healing crisis? Enlightened or delusional? Both?
The awakenings/ healing journeys I’ve experienced that were intentional in a supported, guided context, have been intense but purposeful, whereas the sometimes spontaneous but occasionally intentional ones I’ve experienced in isolation have produced the most fear and disorientation for me. Isolation seems to be another trigger point for me in itself though. 10 day meditation retreats in noble silence trigger that demon. Not only that but not having a support person to debrief with at the time, makes recovery and integration much more challenging. Thank god I do have my therapist who is also “woke”, to openly share with, without judgement. His guidance is critical to my well being.
So I sit here today, in isolation, apart from fb etc, trying not to listen to the voices (inner dialogue/black dog) telling me I’ve completely unraveled and just had a complete nervous breakdown over a small speed bump in my life. That not only did I totally over react to a situation but I let it launch me into a brick wall at light speed. So I must be totally broken then. I’m fighting so hard right now to convince myself that this was in fact, a huge trigger bringing up something that needed to be addressed and bought into consciousness to be released and healed. Of course we only need healing until we realise that we don’t right? And so the war of inner conflict rages on. So what sparked this most recent “episode”. I’d been in such a great place for many months now, recovering from a dark time in recent years, and I was starting to participate in life again and had started exploring some healing modalities as revealed in previous blogs.
So here I was, falling into a mess of feels. Drowning in the story again as I’m so gifted at. A friendship had recently, and unexpectedly, blossomed into something beautiful and I was giddy with excitement; but also freaking out about getting attached and emotionally invested again….triggers going off everywhere. I was trying to coach myself into, just enjoying it and letting it unfold naturally, but my fears about, and attachment to, outcomes were very loud indeed. I was in a critically vulnerable state, emotionally. So just in time I headed into my 4th Holotropic Breathwork sitting. Another intense and euphoric experience, leaving me more centered and grounded yay.
Next evening Bamm! Plans had to be cancelled and it was then I remembered that quote about expectations being the root of all suffering; how high mine had been. I was not only completely gutted, but being a bit tipsy at the time, I immediately assumed I was being cut loose. Triggered is an understatement at that point. I did fall apart, and there’s nothing wrong with a good cry, my heart was broken; how did I get so emotionally involved and attached already? Thank god a friend called and supported me through it. Ok, so I wasn’t being cut loose (Black dog not convinced still), and I actually think it increased the emotional intimacy between us; I should have been so happy, he admitted he had feelings for me; but alas I was still devastated he wasn’t coming as planned. Didn’t sleep much that night.
Next morning felt like I’d been hit by a truck and hello black doggy, I see you’re back. Carer came to do floors and I had another release, a big one; bawled my eyes out again. It was interesting observing myself unravel in that moment, the shaking, the old programming/demons coming up ….. black dog whispers: ” you actually thought this one would work out?” “you don’t deserve your happy ever after”, “You’re too broken, you’ve scared him away just like the last one”. SHUTUP! I gave myself room to feel it all and let it out and that was good. I was exhausted and nauseous and everything hurt (I have Fibro/CFS too so hello flare up).
Later I took some canna oil in a moderate dose that I have been tolerating quite well recently but this time it hit me (Empty stomach maybe?); lucky I didn’t take that couple of grams of shrooms too haha (or maybe I should have?). My intention had been to use this trigger and work with it, so was going to do shrooms and canna instead of alcohol and valium. Struggled with the decision to take the shrooms (fear) but ended up not needing it at all. A 50mg canna cap was all I needed in that moment.
I went down, it hit hard. I was in and out of various states of consciousness and my body was bombarded with overwhelming sensations, which kept fluctuating and shifting, like waves of an incoming tide. My entire body was alive and burning with raw emotions. Had no choice but to just ride the waves, until the tide turned. I was even nauseous and actually felt a lot like I was tripping again, like my previous shroom trip. As I journeyed back and forth between conscious states, I remember a dark tunnel came up a few times, and woah…… fark…… the claustrophobia; there are no words to describe that level of fear. I was trapped, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe (this was an internal experience not external). There was a flashback to a time when my brother and myself wriggled through some small tunnels in a cliff face once, but this was beyond that, and It didn’t take too long to realise that I was in fact experiencing this rebirth that they talk about. I was re-experiencing the birth canal, and I must have been somewhat stuck I guess. Its a shame I have no source to confirm this though. Recovery was slow and I wasn’t well at all, for many hours. Looking forward to some guidance from other like-minded people when I get the chance, just to check I’m not completely mad after-all.
UPDATE: I am transformed! My whole reality has changed. Senses are enhanced and super sensitive to plant medicines and alcohol. Everyone looks beautiful and I’m buzzing with love, and feeling incredibly centered and grounded. Went out in public and felt more safe, alone in a room of strangers, than I have in a long time.