Voices From the Past: Tapping into Love

So many voices from the past deafening me with warnings, feeding the fear energy. The tools of the Protector. It is just us, trying to protect ourselves from harm. Sending us warnings that we are in danger.

Do not show me future scenarios/memories based on old stories. I acknowledge the message but Stop. NO!. This isn’t the truth, this is a new story and I am driving the bus now. I have nothing to fear, I am safe.

I will decide how my story unfolds by coming back to now, coming back into presence, and coming back to love. Just love, be love and send it out to the collective, let it expand and grow.

Believe in love: A powerful insight.

I always interpreted that in a way that I perceived the object of my focus, of my desire, was love. Because of the intense “feelings” I had towards them; that was love right? No, that is not love, that is chemistry, desire, addiction, attachment, but you might love them too…..look deeper. Love is warm and nourishing. Love is compassion, and gratitude. It is unconditional if its true. It is not something we feel for another. It is a state of being. It is something to tap into, to connect to, to become and then project out onto others. Fear, anger etc cannot live there. They are just projections of old stories haunting us. Love is an energy, the source, pure consciousness. We need to learn how to control this switch, which we can do with practice.

So next time I get triggered, or the voices of doom start whispering or yelling at me or offering me future memories, I’m gonna follow this recipe:

  1. Acknowledge them, and honor them
  2. Then put your hand up and say NO! STOP!
  3. Then let go of it or turn away in your mind
  4. Then pull yourself back into the present moment
  5. Now tap into love. If you have trouble with your connection in the moment, just focus on the breath. Just breathe, it will find you.

Lens of love Vs lens of fear.

The images look very different. Through the lens of fear reality is twisted by the shadows of the past. Perverted to show us the worst case scenario of outcomes. That is the literal definition of this:

  • False
  • Evidence
  • Appearing
  • Real

Through the lens of love comes intuition, clarity and perspective.

Storm: spiritual crisis

I see a field a field of raw wounds

Exquisitely devastating

Indescribable rawness

Gaping open

Waves relentless waves

Suffocating

choking

anesthetic caught in the back of my throat

terror

eyeballing death

Shifting

Breathe just keep breathing

Because this is as good as it gets, right here, right now

Nausea

abandonment, rejection

disconnection, isolation, aloneness

Welcome guests, come right in

How is this meat suit supposed to contain all of this, that is?

The irony of it all

Insert hysterical laughter.

Oh look the sun is out

Another storm survived

Waves subsiding

Inhaling

From Judgement to Acceptance. Unraveling the programming.

Spend some time looking in the mirror. That was the suggestion, but I remember doing some mirror work a few years ago and how uncomfortable the experience was. When I looked in my eyes, I could barely stand to see all that pain and despair.

This morning I looked in the mirror and I felt love for myself, I saw the mystery, beauty and wisdom of the universe in my eyes. That was unexpected. And how sad that I’ve never truly seen me or loved me before.

The transforming, the shedding, the offloading, the releasing. They are all just metaphors, but that’s not what I’m doing at all, because these physical and emotional, flashbacks/memories/traumas, programming, are a part of the human experience. They are not something ugly to be gotten rid of like taking out the trash.

We are not broken, and we do not need to be fixed. I knew this on an intellectual level but am only now just realising this at a deeper heart level. One of my favorite teachers says “whatever arises, love that”. Another talks of befriending ones self and talks of Rumi’s teachings of the guesthouse and welcoming all that come. This is a truth that resonates deep within.

I will therefore not focus on release, but rather allowing and accepting. In doing so, I am giving myself permission to be fully whole and to be ok with that. I’m only just beginning to unravel this deeper understanding of my human experience. Knowing the teachings on an intellectual level will never fully serve us, as we must find ways to fully realise on a heart level, our full truth.

Learning to love myself is about allowing myself to feel everything, in all its wildness and authenticity. The dark and ugly parts too. Not just the pain, thats easy, but the rage too, must be acknowledged. Everything that I have been judged for, taught me to feel broken and unacceptable.. That being sensitive and emotional was somehow a bad thing and I had to learn NOT to be that. So I guess I’ve been at war with myself ever since I can remember, faithfully believing those judgements of myself over a lifetime. I can still hear all the voices of thousands of judgements, I took possession of them and made them my own. I will allow myself to feel every one of them if I need to, and they will lose their power in that moment of full acceptance.

I’ve been holding on so tight, for so long, I’ve exhausted my mind and body to the point of illness and dysfunction. I’ve been a perfectionist, holding on to the ideal of who I should be and how i should be, suppressing the supposedly “ugly” parts, that are in fact beautiful. Letting go isn’t about releasing; its about allowing. Its not letting go of the ugly parts or the damage etc, its letting go of the the mindset, and beliefs that created them.

So next time I fall out of my tree for a moment, or hit a brick wall at light speed or any other crisis of emotions and triggers….. its ok. I’m allowed to.

Time to break wide open…..again

A New Story: Chapter One

This is a new story, a different story. I reject allowing my, no wait cancel that, “THE” (thanks Sarah) old stories of my past, to dictate and interfere with my present and future.

I choose to take back my power in this moment.

I’m currently “balls deep” in inner work presently, and have been unraveling, opening and shifting old energies. Its quite the experience.

Coming into my fifth breathwork sitting , only a week out from the last one, and having had a spontaneous experience at home, with all the deepest triggers going off inside of me, I knew it was going to be big. The anticipation was real, I knew I was primed and ready for a huge breakthrough.

Altered states of consciousness are difficult to articulate, at the best of times and recall can be a bit like remembering a dream; its all a bit foggy and strange when you come back to reality. Its one of those experiences like childbirth that you can only really comprehend if you experience it yourself.

This time I went very deep, as even very early there were blank moments (where did I go?). Just when I was thinking that the spasms in my hands were finally not going to happen this session, bammm! My entire body seized up and went rigid. It was not pleasant at all. The recall is so scattered now, I’m not sure if that was before or after sitting up. I actually allowed myself to make some noises this time, the discomfort was profound and overwhelming. It is also usual for me to experience significant tremors or shaking in my hands and arms but this time my entire body started to convulse. It was rather frightening to experience for sure. It was sometime during all this that there was a flash, and I recall thinking, did someone just take a photo?, but then came the crack! What a profound moment. I expressed myself with a loud “fuck”, and was grateful that the universe saw fit to join the party and work with us on such a physical level lol. The sense of synchronicity and connection in that moment was immense.

In past sessions I have often tapped out fairly early in the sessions, spending much time in a deep, relaxed, meditative state of bliss, but this time I wasn’t ready when it was time to come back to the room. I felt almost paralysed, and struggled to come out of it, I wasn’t finished. I was in a lot of discomfort when I finally started to move, and my right hand was still having intermittent tremors. Fetal position felt good lol. The curry helped but I felt like I was in shock, I was shaken to my core. I felt like a raw nerve. I could barely put words together. I had to hang around for a while, until I felt well enough to drive, and was one of the last to leave.

I am at a turning point in my life right now and I am determined to take full advantage of all resources available to me, to change my reality into whatever I want it to be.

I’m taking charge of my destiny and shedding all the old baggage. I don’t need it or want it anymore. I’m no longer afraid of what will be left without it, or of who I am without my pain and misery.

I know who and what I am now, not just intellectually, but in my heart.

Its time to be an expression of love.

Stepping out of victim mode and standing in my full power, as a being of infinite potential.

Head Over Heals: down the rabbit hole

When it suddenly just clicks, the magic begins to unfold and fireworks begin to explode. Hormones and chemistry goes wild. Euphoria triggering the addiction leading to attachment. But is this a good thing or a bad thing? I guess this often depends on the outcome, which is why the anticipation of this, in such defining moments, can rock one to the core, and knock them off center for a moment. This can be a life changing event and often is.

Falling in love is a natural part of the human condition; for most of us anyway. A spiritual New Age perspective would have us be aware of pitfalls with addiction and attachment. Society, friends and family may roll their eyes and shake their heads with their own personal judgements and opinions.

For me, I’m highly sensitive and empathic so therefore feel on a very deep level compared to some. This has led to many judgements over time as to my intensity. Yes I was a bit of a drama queen once upon a time when I was young and immature, but I do believe that this also is a toxic judgement that has caused me substantial damage over time. Am I just seeing myself through this toxic lens now? How accurate is my view of myself even?

Is it so wrong to be an emotional creature? I have spent many years, on and off, in a state of emotional bluntness or dispossession. Feeling nothing but numbness and maybe the occasional despair. Its like being the walking dead. It is merely existing, and life holds little value or meaning. I often resonated strongly with MARTIN E. P. SELIGMAN, PHD theory on “learned helplessness”. https://positivepsychology.com/learned-helplessness-seligman-theory-depression-cure/

The only thing worse than feeling too much is feeling nothing at all.

So falling in love can be a very intense and terrifying experience, for some of us at least. When you’ve been burned and traumatised and judged your entire life, had a couple of unsuccessful relationships (including an abusive one of course), a few other encounters of various types and lengths (usually brief), and many years alone; the vulnerability and fear is very real indeed.

Trauma is just a generic term for what a person experiences when exposed to a significantly stressful event; it is in fact a very individual experience. For example, in a group of people exposed to say armed robbery, each will be effected differently. One person might deal with the situation really well taking it in their stride and getting on with life, while another more sensitive person might be irreparably traumatised.

So this make me fragile too I guess, that I’ve been severely traumatised by my life experiences. Is that a “bad” thing too? To be sensitive, emotional and fragile apparently deems me to be put in the box of “high maintenance”. I was once told I was, “the one, men want to have sex with, but not a relationship with”.

So I’ve decided now that I will no longer let these judgements hold a negative charge over me. Maybe these judgements say more about the person judging than they do about me, but I don’t need to accept or wear them, and I wont anymore.

I like who I am, and although these qualities aren’t always beautiful in practice, they do make me a beautiful person; because I am strong and courageous too. I am generous and have loads of integrity (more than many I know).

No more, will I apologise for who I am, or how I am. I will keep taking chances and fighting for my dreams and desires, for even if they are a reflection of my damaged parts, I can use them to grow, and learn, and be an even better person than I was before. Because it’s not about any of you. This is my journey and my story.

So if any of you can’t accept and embrace me for all that I am, then that’s ok, because I got me.

I’ve got support and I’ve tools now.

I will from this day on …….

Whirlpool

Caught in that whirlpool of emotions

drowning in the story yet again

monkey mind racing with potential scenarios

faith versus fear

pessimism versus positivity

life changing moments

judge me if you will

but I am not broken

When I feel I am alive

I want to live, not exist

be brave I say

feel it all

but stay anchored to your core

the center is calm

a catalyst for growth

an opportunity to be better

to do better

I embrace my crazy

I’m not broken

I’ve just been hurt

this s a different story

this is a different story

this is a different story

Caught between two worlds: Spirituality and Mental Health

You know those spontaneous awakenings that leave you reeling and wondering if maybe you’ve completely and certifiably lost your mind??? Well I do…….

Some background for perspective to begin with. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life and only in recent years after so many different diagnoses and medications etc did i finally find the box that fits… Complex PTSD.

The first big awakening was around 2014. It was completely spontaneous; I awoke one morning and the penny had dropped. I suddenly understood the nature of reality and everything else, what a massive download to integrate, I seriously wondered if I’d had a psychotic break. I had very little in the way of a support network for all things spiritual at that time so sharing and getting support and guidance was limited. It was life changing and launched me into a volatile journey of personal/spiritual growth and exploration. And yes there was actually an intervention at some point later on too haha (the naivety of well-intentioned youth).

So who do you share these profound experiences with? You must share (well i must anyway), being it such a life changing experience, but most family and friends aren’t very “woke”, and at this point you’re already seriously doubting your own sanity anyway, without trying to convince your family that you just convened with God right? Now I use the word god as a generic term because its easier for less spiritual and more religiously minded people to comprehend the general concept of what I’m relating to, rather than confusing them with terms such as the source, the universe etc.

The disorientation is the part I don’t like, oh look i just found another trigger/sore spot. Why does this create such morbid fear I wonder?

So perspectives or definitions? Breakdown or breakthrough? Unraveling or healing crisis? Enlightened or delusional? Both?

The awakenings/ healing journeys I’ve experienced that were intentional in a supported, guided context, have been intense but purposeful, whereas the sometimes spontaneous but occasionally intentional ones I’ve experienced in isolation have produced the most fear and disorientation for me. Isolation seems to be another trigger point for me in itself though. 10 day meditation retreats in noble silence trigger that demon. Not only that but not having a support person to debrief with at the time, makes recovery and integration much more challenging. Thank god I do have my therapist who is also “woke”, to openly share with, without judgement. His guidance is critical to my well being.

So I sit here today, in isolation, apart from fb etc, trying not to listen to the voices (inner dialogue/black dog) telling me I’ve completely unraveled and just had a complete nervous breakdown over a small speed bump in my life. That not only did I totally over react to a situation but I let it launch me into a brick wall at light speed. So I must be totally broken then. I’m fighting so hard right now to convince myself that this was in fact, a huge trigger bringing up something that needed to be addressed and bought into consciousness to be released and healed. Of course we only need healing until we realise that we don’t right? And so the war of inner conflict rages on. So what sparked this most recent “episode”. I’d been in such a great place for many months now, recovering from a dark time in recent years, and I was starting to participate in life again and had started exploring some healing modalities as revealed in previous blogs.

So here I was, falling into a mess of feels. Drowning in the story again as I’m so gifted at. A friendship had recently, and unexpectedly, blossomed into something beautiful and I was giddy with excitement; but also freaking out about getting attached and emotionally invested again….triggers going off everywhere. I was trying to coach myself into, just enjoying it and letting it unfold naturally, but my fears about, and attachment to, outcomes were very loud indeed. I was in a critically vulnerable state, emotionally. So just in time I headed into my 4th Holotropic Breathwork sitting. Another intense and euphoric experience, leaving me more centered and grounded yay.

Next evening Bamm! Plans had to be cancelled and it was then I remembered that quote about expectations being the root of all suffering; how high mine had been. I was not only completely gutted, but being a bit tipsy at the time, I immediately assumed I was being cut loose. Triggered is an understatement at that point. I did fall apart, and there’s nothing wrong with a good cry, my heart was broken; how did I get so emotionally involved and attached already? Thank god a friend called and supported me through it. Ok, so I wasn’t being cut loose (Black dog not convinced still), and I actually think it increased the emotional intimacy between us; I should have been so happy, he admitted he had feelings for me; but alas I was still devastated he wasn’t coming as planned. Didn’t sleep much that night.

Next morning felt like I’d been hit by a truck and hello black doggy, I see you’re back. Carer came to do floors and I had another release, a big one; bawled my eyes out again. It was interesting observing myself unravel in that moment, the shaking, the old programming/demons coming up ….. black dog whispers: ” you actually thought this one would work out?” “you don’t deserve your happy ever after”, “You’re too broken, you’ve scared him away just like the last one”. SHUTUP! I gave myself room to feel it all and let it out and that was good. I was exhausted and nauseous and everything hurt (I have Fibro/CFS too so hello flare up).

Later I took some canna oil in a moderate dose that I have been tolerating quite well recently but this time it hit me (Empty stomach maybe?); lucky I didn’t take that couple of grams of shrooms too haha (or maybe I should have?). My intention had been to use this trigger and work with it, so was going to do shrooms and canna instead of alcohol and valium. Struggled with the decision to take the shrooms (fear) but ended up not needing it at all. A 50mg canna cap was all I needed in that moment.

I went down, it hit hard. I was in and out of various states of consciousness and my body was bombarded with overwhelming sensations, which kept fluctuating and shifting, like waves of an incoming tide. My entire body was alive and burning with raw emotions. Had no choice but to just ride the waves, until the tide turned. I was even nauseous and actually felt a lot like I was tripping again, like my previous shroom trip. As I journeyed back and forth between conscious states, I remember a dark tunnel came up a few times, and woah…… fark…… the claustrophobia; there are no words to describe that level of fear. I was trapped, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe (this was an internal experience not external). There was a flashback to a time when my brother and myself wriggled through some small tunnels in a cliff face once, but this was beyond that, and It didn’t take too long to realise that I was in fact experiencing this rebirth that they talk about. I was re-experiencing the birth canal, and I must have been somewhat stuck I guess. Its a shame I have no source to confirm this though. Recovery was slow and I wasn’t well at all, for many hours. Looking forward to some guidance from other like-minded people when I get the chance, just to check I’m not completely mad after-all.

UPDATE: I am transformed! My whole reality has changed. Senses are enhanced and super sensitive to plant medicines and alcohol. Everyone looks beautiful and I’m buzzing with love, and feeling incredibly centered and grounded. Went out in public and felt more safe, alone in a room of strangers, than I have in a long time.